The World Cup Draw Survival Guide

With only hours until the World Cup draw that we’ve waited years for - the World Cup draw which will effectively decide your team’s fate next summer - we thought it was a decent idea to offer a few tips that could come in handy while you struggle to maintain your composure. We can’t make any promises, but if you follow these tips, we’re sure you’ll make it through at least the first hour of coverage. After that, it’s on you.

  • Expect to insult the unexpected (i.e. “Bosnia’s main export is leather? Haha, what are you, ….a…a…cow?”)
  • Expect a major period of emotional turmoil. Keep kleenex, a snuggie and your illicit Football Manager addiction nearby; use them generously: this draw is going to last 3 hours.
  • Prepare your pop culture references to maintain your sanity. Remember who the real enemy is.
  • If your nation is placed in a group of death, there will probably be good cultural cuisine involved. Be ready to eat your emotions.
  • Every group will be a group of death.
  • Remember, if your team does manage to get placed into a group of life, you will analyze 3 other teams for the next 6 months. During this period, you will lose the ability to identify life from death.
  • If you’re American, remember that if the USMNT is not in a group with powerhouses, then there will be low TV ratings, and therefore death. Pray for Brazil, Portugal, and Ghana. (#Pray4BraPorGha)
  • If the US is drawn with Ghana, get your catchy headlines ready. For example, “Going, Going, Ghana? US OUT.” Or, “NOT A-GHANA?!”

  • Keep a tab open dedicated to the CIA Factbook. Remember, the CIA keeps a tab open that’s dedicated to you. It’s only fair.
  • Do not listen to any music by Drake or Sufjan Stevens immediately before, or immediately after the draw. No one likes to see people cry in public, and those will definitely push you over the edge.
  • Drake probably supports the teams your nation will have to face.
  • An appropriate soundtrack for the FIFA draw contains Shakira, Ricky Martin, and that noise you make when you’ve been punched. Turn off your phone, because your friends will see this on Spotify and worry about your health.
  • Prepare a list of “Brazuca” related jokes prior to the start of the draw. Never use them in a public forum. They’re only for your own misguided sense of humor.
  • Remember that the Brazuca is verified on Twitter, and is predicted to make adidas half a billion dollars.
  • Remember that the Brazuca is sentient, and entirely likely to track you down for any negative tweets.

  • If you’re a neutral (is that possible?), be sure to record your roommate’s reaction and upload it to YouTube immediately. Then send us the link.
  • Take solace in the fact that England will do HORRIBLY.
  • If you’re English, take solace in the fact that Manchester United is doing HORRIBLY.
  • If you’re a Manchester United fan, take solace in the fact that….well, at least you’ve got Robin van Persie, right? Oh, he’s injured? Well then… to the trophy cabinet!
  • A four year old child can open 32 balls in about 3 minutes. FIFA will take 3 hours. It actually makes perfect sense, so prepare accordingly.
  • It likely took your team about 2 years to work through the qualification process. Your World Cup hopes will be dashed in those 3 hours.
  • Tom Hanks crashed into a deserted island, talked to a ball, and triumphantly returned to civilization in about 3 hours. If everything falls apart, remember that you have a ball that likes to talk.
  • Brazil always pay their debts.
  • Remember that even though Sweden did not qualify, there is still a 20% chance that Zlatan will make an appearance in the group stage and injure your team’s most important player.

  • It’s always Sepp Blatter’s fault.
  • Remember, those other countries are just as afraid of yours, as yours is of them. Unless they’re BrazilItalySpainNetherlandsArgentinaUruguayOrGermany. They’re not afraid of anything. They will decimate you. And then laugh.
  • Your country isn’t as bad as Australia.
  • Keep your chin up Australian fans, New Zealand didn’t make it. So you’ve got that going for you.
  • Drinking during early morning hours is typically frowned upon. But not during World Cup Draw Day.
  • When you lose the ability to string coherent thoughts together, not to worry. That’s why you have a folder on your Desktop entitled “Reactive GIFs.”
  • Don’t say the R word. Brazil’s going to have everything ready by the time June comes around. FIFA said so, and we can trust themmmhahahhaahaha.
  • Don’t say the F word. Favelas won’t exist during the World Cup, right FIFA?
  • At least Brazil will be better than Qatar, right?
  • At least Brazil is everyone’s second team, because everyone is a fair-weather fan and David Luiz is actually down to earth.
  • Remember, you probably have a Brazilian second-Uncle. GO BRASIL!

Seriously though, best of luck to everyone, and may all your World Cup-related dreams come true; unless they conflict with ours. This guide was compiled by Eric Beard and Maxi Rodriguez, who do not endorse day-watching Cast Away. Feel free to share your own World Cup Draw survival tips with us on Twitter or in the comments.

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    If you’re American, remember that if the USMNT is not in a group with powerhouses, then there will be low TV ratings,...
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    OH FUCK YEAH! *coughs* I mean—
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