Words of the Messiah: Immaculate Swag Edition

Ciao bromistas! It has been quite the week for your boy, just as it is every week. People were starting to hate on yours truly, so Pep finally let me loose to go to work to shut up every single one of the doubters. But I think I took things into my own hands a little too far, and I really should apologize for that. You see, scoring a triple threat of swag-filled goals against Valencia wasn’t enough for me. The damage was done at that point as defenders, critics, haters, and journalists all were bowing down to me by the end of the game. Even my saucy soul-patched friend, Señor David Villa, was throwing down the words of praise. David, you’re still welcome to come to Barça bro, Z has just lost all his hustle and flow since having to practice with Puyol on the regular. By the way, I heard my fellow Galacticos-killer Fernando Torres wants to put on a bit of show next year at the Camp. So DaVilla, if you’re reading this, bringing the fury of Spain to Barça might be a pretty tight way to recover from my Argentina knocking you, Cescy, ‘Nando, and company out of the World Cup.

Anyway, as I was saying, the Messiah was having a little too much fun after the 3-0 domestic ownage, so I thought an encore could be appropriate. After all, we did take it easy on those Germans the first time around. Taking what I thought would be a nice way to take precaution for a major Stuttgart slaying at the Nou Campissium, I threw down a couple of G’s to give to the International Committee of the Red Cross as a way to counteract damage the Weapon of Messi Destruction would do. It turns out that 100,000 euros definitely wasn’t enough, so I decided to chill out after scoring two goals past the karate kid Jens Lehmann. You know your boy could’ve gotten back-to-back hat-tricks, but if I did that every game I’d have a monopoly on the hat industry, and here in Barçaland we don’t believe in monopolies, we believe in the común. Actually, that’s not entirely true. We did win everything there is to win last year, but we just wanted to see what that would feel like. I promise I/we won’t unleash that sort of dominance again because Pep is sticking with his moral responsibility to do what is ethical.

There are mad fiestas your boy is going to hit up, and because I don’t want to put Cristi into an eternal state of depression, I’m just going to skim the surface on the hilarity that was watching those “White Angels” get merked by those Frenchies. I’m sorry, but they’re French. You took their “best” player, Benny Benzemassi, and they still manage to throw down a minor danglefest at the Bernabeú. Can’t wait to hear you all of you Madridistas cheer me on from the crowd when I’m lifting the Champions League trophy in Madrid later. Anyway, I’m off to the club with Z and Bojangles, even though yours truly and my prodigy are mostly going to try to get Mr. Talllankyenormousnose a nice piece for some much needed confidence boosting. I’m going to leave you guys with a little thing I did for the kids this past week, as your boy is now ballin’ it up as a UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador.

Much love until next week,