Tevez exclusive: In his/someone else’s own words

By Carlos Tevez

Following on from his – definitely his – fascinating column in The Sun, Carlos Tevez has kindly agreed to write something short for AFR. We didn’t think his command of any language was especially good, but here you go: some words definitely written by Carlos Tevez. Definitely. 

I’ve been here – that is to say, on the Earth; alive – for 28 years now, and it’s still hard for me to understand how to function as a decent member of society, let alone a Premier League club. I look at the pictures in newspapers – words are too hard – and I see what people think of me.

Being a footballer is not like being an ordinary person. To those who believe that the same ‘rules’ or 'laws’ of the universe apply to all of us, I say this: you try earning £286,000 a week and not want to not work for it, or earn more. I digress. Furthermore, et cetera. Lucrative. Core. VENTURE.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Etiam et sodales tortor. Nulla quis lacus ligula. Curabitur sit amet odio nibh, in commodo nisi. Donec fringilla sollicitudin morestie. Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas. 

I’m back. This is me, Carlos, writing, even though I had been writing all along. See those words – you know, the ones you’re reading – they’re mine. If you say that I didn’t write them, you’d be wrong, and a liar.

Football is an easy game.

Which brings me to Gary Neville. Does it? I don’t know, I dozed off there for a minute as I was definitely writing this. I can fondly recall a training session at Manchester United in which I smacked a ball right at Gary Neville’s head. I’ve never forgotten how good it felt; seeing his thin skull shoot forward into the back of his face. I’d like to write about something else now. 

I went to IKEA and bought a Borgsjö bookcase, but when I got home I realised that the Allen key wasn’t in the box. One cannot build a bookcase without an Allen key. Roberto will never win in Europe.

To be honest, I have not seen much of Gary Neville.

To be honest, I have not seen much.