A Football Report

Transfer Deadline Day, according to Falcao*

As clubs around Europe neurotically began a 24 hour spurt of panic-buying, Falcao led Atlético Madrid to a 4-1 rout against Chelsea and could only shake his head and laugh at the millions of pounds and euros being thrown around. He also laughed at David Luiz, because David Luiz is hilarious and spent the night doing Macaulay Culkin impressions instead of defending. Then he laughed at Branislav Ivanovic, because despite Branislav’s admirable career he would likely never spend a night with a Colombian woman. Finally, his eyes met Roman Abramovich’s after El Tigre completed his hat-trick in the European Super Cup, piercing any remnants of the oil oligarch’s soul. Roman grew unsettled in his luxury box in Monaco.

It might not be the way to move to a team that actually plays in the Champions League, but it is how to earn a VIP invitation on to the ritziest yacht owned by a Russian on the Mediterranean. Of course, Falcao disappoints Neymar (and Neymar’s yacht dreams), and he declines Roman’s invitation in the form of a silent, blink-less two-minute stare, only to be followed by a bite directly through a medal made of metal.

Don’t let anyone persuade you to think otherwise, casually scoring hat-tricks against the European Champions and smashing the hopes and dreams of oligarchs is the only way to live on transfer deadline day. [*presumably. Imagined by EB. GIFs via Josh.]