A Football Report

By Carlos Tevez

Following on from his – definitely his – fascinating column in The Sun, Carlos Tevez has kindly agreed to write something short for AFR. We didn’t think his command of any language was especially good, but here you go: some words definitely written by Carlos Tevez. Definitely. 

I’ve been here – that is to say, on the Earth; alive – for 28 years now, and it’s still hard for me to understand how to function as a decent member of society, let alone a Premier League club. I look at the pictures in newspapers – words are too hard – and I see what people think of me.

Being a footballer is not like being an ordinary person. To those who believe that the same ‘rules’ or ‘laws’ of the universe apply to all of us, I say this: you try earning £286,000 a week and not want to not work for it, or earn more. I digress. Furthermore, et cetera. Lucrative. Core. VENTURE.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Etiam et sodales tortor. Nulla quis lacus ligula. Curabitur sit amet odio nibh, in commodo nisi. Donec fringilla sollicitudin morestie. Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas. 

I’m back. This is me, Carlos, writing, even though I had been writing all along. See those words – you know, the ones you’re reading – they’re mine. If you say that I didn’t write them, you’d be wrong, and a liar.

Football is an easy game.

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By Eric Beard

Argentine fútbol has been suffering. The country’s national team failed to live up to the hype in Copa America this past summer, while Brazil’s emergence as an economic power has spurred the Brasileiro to new financial and competitive heights. Argentina has been lagging behind its bitter rival, but two strikers, as accomplished as any in the world, are ready to return to Argentina. They haven’t returned for the money; they’ve returned because they want to be playing in the Argentine Primera División, rather than see their careers out in Europe or lie in piles of money in the Middle East until retirement. 

The David Trezeguet Story: “To play for [River Plate] and in Argentine football is to crown a dream. I left (Buenos Aires) very young and I’m really enthusiastic about this (move).”

Coming off of a lucrative stint in Abu Dhabi with Baniyas SC, Trezeguet is now 34 years old and ready to have his swan song in Argentina, the land of his ancestors. Upon arriving in Buenos Aires at Ezeiza international airport, Trezeguet told the Argentine press, “I’m in perfect shape to give River my best.”

The Carlos Tevez Story: “In January I want to be playing for Boca. It doesn’t matter if I have to take a pay cut, but I’m tired of the travelling and the comings and goings… I want to be part of the pre-season [training] and play in the Copa Libertadores,” lifestyle magazine Gente quoted Tevez as telling his agent Adrian Rouco.

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By Darshan Joshi, in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

Carlos Tévez has handed in a transfer request at Manchester City, showing us that all is not lost when it comes to multi-millionaire footballers - this is a man giving up over £1mil a month to be closer to his young family. Tévez deserves every ounce of sympathy he may possibly receive.

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The AFR team remembers Paul the Octopus, gets nostalgic about post-football careers in reference to Zidane’s recent role in the “Zidane Position” with Real Madrid, talks about the Premier League & the main matches in Spain and Italy, Carlos Tevez’s homesick situation at Man City, Ronaldinho’s recall into the Brazil squad, the Ballon d’Or candidates, and the Major League Soccer Playoffs.

Contributors: Oli Sparrow (London), Eric Beard (Emory University, Atlanta), Dominic Vieira (Lancaster University), Ulysse Pasquier (McGill University, Montreal), Darshan Joshi (University of South Wales, Sydney)

As usual, we’d love it if you could leave your comments below.

By Darshan Joshi, writing from Sydney

On some days, Santa mopes around his workshop, sluggishly slithering between the elves and dwarves and other magical creatures he has at his disposal, with his mind fixated on Mrs Claus and his children Roque Cruz and Pedro Cecilia. Sure, he enjoys having kids seated on his lap every Christmas, and he does sleep with Rudolph in his wife’s absence, but every man endures thoughts of a trip back ho-ho-home.

Very short introductory paragraph completed, it is time to introduce today’s protagonist - Carlos Alberto Tévez. The stocky little Argentine, who may be the only man who could possibly give Gimli (the son of Glóin) a fight for the title of ‘uncompromising dwarf’, is utterly homesick. At this point, I fail in trying to recall a single moment during Tolkien’s epic saga that Gimli himself declared his intentions of walking out on the Fellowship and returning to his abode in the Lonely Mountains. 

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