A Football Report

Ciao bromistas! It has been quite the week for your boy, just as it is every week. People were starting to hate on yours truly, so Pep finally let me loose to go to work to shut up every single one of the doubters. But I think I took things into my own hands a little too far, and I really should apologize for that. You see, scoring a triple threat of swag-filled goals against Valencia wasn’t enough for me. The damage was done at that point as defenders, critics, haters, and journalists all were bowing down to me by the end of the game. Even my saucy soul-patched friend, Señor David Villa, was throwing down the words of praise. David, you’re still welcome to come to Barça bro, Z has just lost all his hustle and flow since having to practice with Puyol on the regular. By the way, I heard my fellow Galacticos-killer Fernando Torres wants to put on a bit of show next year at the Camp. So DaVilla, if you’re reading this, bringing the fury of Spain to Barça might be a pretty tight way to recover from my Argentina knocking you, Cescy, ‘Nando, and company out of the World Cup.

Anyway, as I was saying, the Messiah was having a little too much fun after the 3-0 domestic ownage, so I thought an encore could be appropriate. After all, we did take it easy on those Germans the first time around. Taking what I thought would be a nice way to take precaution for a major Stuttgart slaying at the Nou Campissium, I threw down a couple of G’s to give to the International Committee of the Red Cross as a way to counteract damage the Weapon of Messi Destruction would do. It turns out that 100,000 euros definitely wasn’t enough, so I decided to chill out after scoring two goals past the karate kid Jens Lehmann. You know your boy could’ve gotten back-to-back hat-tricks, but if I did that every game I’d have a monopoly on the hat industry, and here in Barçaland we don’t believe in monopolies, we believe in the común. Actually, that’s not entirely true. We did win everything there is to win last year, but we just wanted to see what that would feel like. I promise I/we won’t unleash that sort of dominance again because Pep is sticking with his moral responsibility to do what is ethical.

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Oh hey bromistas! Sorry about just abandoning you last week! When the Dalai Lama calls, your boy has to listen. It’s part of my new contract. Hope Pep didn’t freak you out too much, he told me it was tough converting his immaculate thoughts into writing. Well, you’ve caught me at the airport. I always look vulnerable (I know. Me? Vulnerable? jajaja) in pictures at the airport, but that’s just cause you chicos y chicas can’t see what’s in my cart. I’ll explain later…

Anyway, I’ve missed you guys more than the money Joan Laporta misses the money lost last night in Germany. That’s right, your boy went to Germany to show a few “jungen” (ninos) how to play the game. We also had a Champions League match, but we may or may not have been excited for another reason. You have to understand, Hleb and a bunch of his other fellow Stuttgart (try not to laugh) players were planning an awesome Ronaldinho-like “superparty” for after the game.

The game ended 1-1 (we still have the advantage), but we wanted everyone in Stuttgart to be ready to go all out for a crazy night, and we didn’t want to be the ones to ruin the mood. So we let the Germans off the hook with only a mild disadvantage to set the stage for one of the most memorable nights (even though Andrés doesn’t remember it at all, jajaja) in quite some time. Anyway, those Germans have to come to Barça next time, I’ll personally put on the Danglefiesta of 2010 for you guys during that game. And I mean, we did win 4-0 just a few days ago, would it really be fair to merk that hard again on such short notice?

As always, I still have my picks for the players with the most swag since we last jived. The Dalai Lama had a baller HDTV in his basement, so I watched the Mancs do work on Milan while chilling with some monks. While Rooney is on my short-list for ugliest players with the most swag (actually a very honourable list to be on, ask Puyol), the Milan duo of ‘dinho and Dutchman Clarence Seedorf get my pick for the lads who lit it up. They didn’t really play to win, but rather to put on a show. Only a few can do both simultaneously, but I respect the effort.

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Hello fellow followers of the Messiah! I, Josep “Pep” Guardiola i Sala, am sorry to inform you all that little Lionel will not be able to produce his weekly words today. You see the team that plays perfect football managed to… (sorry I’m not able to write this “L” word) this past weekend as we travelled to face Atletico Madrid. I must take full responsibility for the loss because I did not consider the possibility that something perfect could be defeated by something imperfect. This is an anomaly, but then again, so is my team.

You may all still be wondering as to why I am here instead of our minute magician, and it is because I have sent the entire team (even Maxwell) to meditate with the Dalai Lama himself. For once, this immaculate idea did not stem from my ineffable decision-making, but rather from “His Holiness”, the Dalai Lama himself. You see, the Dalai Lama is a Barcelona fan, and he told me (in our weekly Skype sessions) that he was very displeased with the team’s “imperfect” performance on Sunday. Such harsh words, and yet, such wise words. Anyway, he requested that the team be sent to him to truly “be perfect” as a team, eradicating all the imperfections that come with being an individual. So the Messiah is simply meditating with the Dalai Lama. And that is that. He should be back next week, unless we (“L” word) again, which will not happen. And it cannot happen, for all that is good in the world looks up the beacon that is Barcelona.

By the way, my good graces go to Jean Makoun. Thank you for punishing Real Madrid for their materialistic sins and their barbaric brand of football with a goal that was pleasing on the eyes. I will personally tell Puyol not to break your legs in two if we happen to face your team.

That was my message to give, and I am sorry that the Dalai Lama has taken Messi to strengthen his spirit. Because I have some time on my hands, I will continue my pursuit of Cesc Fabregas through means of proving to Arsene Wenger through philosophical means why Cesc will be a better contribution to the world by playing for Barcelona.

Thank you,

Josep “Pep” Guardiola i Sala

(By the way, a picture of the Dalai Lama supporting Barcelona is embedded below.)

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Hey guys, I know for a fact that today will be a great day. After all, it is the 10th, the day that honours the number of yours truly. Pep, still telling us to play without completely embarrassing the fools crazy enough to come in our house, thought we should give Getafe a little bit of a handicap, which was why Pique got a red card and walked off the pitch without looking back, like a boss. The thing is… your boy missed the pregame memo. I may or may not have scored right after I heard the whistle blow for kickoff, so I want to have the opportunity to apologize to everyone on my team, and also to Jordi Codina (that’s right Jordi, you’re big enough now to finally not be known as another scrub on Getafe! Congrats!). But in all seriousness, I promise not to unleash the one man plan that early again. It was an honest mistake.

Also, some of you guys may have been hearing Ramon “I like to moan” Calderon saying that little Cristi “rejected” Barcelona to play with the kids in Madrid. Jajaja! Ok ok ok, wait… Cristi… you think you rejected us? That’s not how I remember it. Do you really want me to share what really happened? Remember all that time you spent in the summer trying to convince Pep that you could play anywhere because you knew you weren’t going to take my saintly spot on the wing? Oh wait… that was the Champions League final! You have to remember when Puyol made you cry for an hour straight after you begged him to stop shredding you to pieces. Jajaja! People just don’t forget stuff like that. Cristi, I’m not going to allow that jive to leave the Bernabeu again.

….. Right! So it’s the 10th, and it’s that time to recognize those who threw it down like you live in boomtown (shout out to Andrés for producing Barçelonistas by the thousands)!

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Why hello there fellow bromistas. Hope the mid-week blues haven’t been throwing you off your grind too much. Anyway, I’m a little upset because my goal streak ended, but it’s just part of my resolution this year to share the wealth. Speaking of sharing the wealth, the Messiah is about to rain praise upon those who did work like the Franciscos and Santiagos on steel-producing plants back in Rosario. Gago, you know exactly what I’m talking about; you were so close to being one of those Franciscos.

But first, I know you’ve all been requesting a little moral insight on the biddy-stealing John Terry. I’m just going to throw down a few opiniones. Well Señor Terry, I have a personal philosophy on the ancient Chinese art of seed spreading. Focus on your game (on the field and in the club), and once you get big enough you’ll find out that situations like these are easy to avoid. I know you’re trying to imitate Messiahization (like globalization, but better), so you need to get more creative and look beyond your national boundaries. For example, after we merked Valladolid 3-0 a few days ago Fabricio and his wife both said they would be honoured to have a son with my genes. Stuff like that happens all the time, but I don’t make a big deal out of it or show any disrespect by turning the offers down. So JT, to make a long story short, the frailties of your game were exposed, so in the future come to me for advice for the accepted approach on one of the many arts mastered by your boy.

Oof, sorry about that little intervention. It had to be done. Now, as per usual, I have my weekly honours to give out. Who had the most swag you ask?

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Hey guys, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. Actually, Pep’s been making me think. I hoped it wouldn’t happen, but apparently Cristiano sent an email to the Pepmeister that said it was linking to a Rick Astley music video, but it actually brought him here.  That’s right. Pep knows about all about the happenings of the Messiah. But before my fellow bromistas start breaking down like you’re Guti playing against Alcorcon, it’s not all bad news. (By the way, if you clicked on the link above, then you’ve just been “Rick Rolled” courtesy of the Messiah).

The good news: Pep said I can keep communicating with my disciples like I have been doing so with the same old swag.

The bad news: There are going to be a few changes. Pep said I can’t go on talking about myself all the time, but I gotta shift the focus to retain the “universal balance of the game” (his words, not mine). In your boy’s terms, the Barca bros have been merking so hard that it’s just not fair to continue the ownage online with personal jive. So from now on, my perspective is on the deportistas around the world who have been throwing it down like your name is Dani Alves. You’re all welcome in advance, but not just anyone can get the Messiah’s blessing. You need swag, style, and your name to not be Cristiano.

So here’s to a new beginning. I’m going to be modest like no one has ever seen before.

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What up bromistas? I’m trying to keep a low profile after cutting and slicing up defenders last Saturday. Ever since I’ve joined Barca, your boy has given the world 99 problems. But, as you know, I don’t stop there. I had to add two more problems to Sevilla’s agenda. That’s right. 100 and 101. I need to be real, I’ve been getting a lot of praise for being the youngest Barca player to score 100 goals, but people are forgetting that I also am the player who scored 100 goals with more style than anyone else. With the swag points scale, the goals I’ve scored equal about 2,000 normal goals. You gotta respect the style points.

This past Saturday I kicked off the first edition of DangleFiesta 2010 against Sevilla. Now if you remember Pep wasn’t too happy that we didn’t run circles around Sevilla last Wednesday. I didn’t think so many haters would try to throw us off our grind.

Truth be told, it’s not fair if we win every game by 10-0. Pep said it was some sort of ethical dilemma for the good of the game to let other teams feel like they can actually play against us. So we took it easy with a 1-0 win down in Andalucia. You know let Jesus Navas and co. celebrate a loss with their fans before the Messiah rips them to shreds back in Barcelona.

Now that we are not ‘perfect’ anymore, Pep told us that we can finally play with ‘no ceilings’. So I did. By the end of the day I had Palop and his defence on their knees just begging me to stop. Pep said it was okay that I was torturing them because it was just a bit of vigilante justice for our Copa Del Rey loss.

Pep is a jefe, and he here’s what he said about me after the danglefest: “”It only depends on him to break all possible records. He has some very, very high numbers. What we like most is that his ambition has no limit. I feel that he wants more. He is a wonderful example to the future generations.”

Respect Peppy! But I need to set one thing straight. I’m not about the numbers, the numbers are about me. No number can hold me downnnnn. Nothing can hold me down! King Kong ain’t got **** on me! Ok. Sorry about that. I lost control, just a little Pepe moment. But of course my ambition has no limit! Who else do expect Bojangles, Illiesta, myself, and the rest of us here to compare ourselves to? And I’m all about the future generations! I’ve been talking with a few people who are going to clone me to make sure I am the future generations!

Anyway, that’s all that’s on my chest. I’m going to go cover Cristiano’s house with a huge Bilbao flag. Jajajajajaja! Seriously. Llorente just dropped it off in my driveway.

Much love until next week,

Your thoughts on this week’s message from the Messiah?

Hey guys! Hope midweek misery hasn’t been getting to you, but I have to admit it has been a somewhat confusing week for your boy. As you guys know, I love Peppy G. He’s the boss. We might have merked the tarts at Tenerife with a five-star right on the back, but Peppy couldn’t get past the fact we lost at the Camp to Sevilla. Since then he has been making the team read all this philosophy. It’s been pretty irritating.

Actually, the Pepmeister wasn’t too thrilled when Bojan threatened that hater disguised as a ref. Pep likes to think of little Bojangles as the pure spirit of our team (even though we all know he pulls chicas like his name is Gerard Pique), so when Pep saw the Spanish/Serbian hybrid of swag on show he was pretty concerned. I guess Bojan did only just celebrate his 19^th annual birthfest. But Pep has been making the whole team “examine” the way we live our lives to make sure we “are worth living”.

So your boy shows up to do work for the Barcelona faithful, but ends up discussing Socrates. Guys, this is a disgrace. Not gonna hate too hard on the Greeks since they’ll be humiliated after I’m through with them at the World Copa, but I’ve got a few thoughts on my mind. I’m pretty sure Socratic swag has some substance, but it’s just not for Pep. Ever since Pep got his hands on The Republic (no thanks to you, Arsene Wenger), I’ve been in a freaking Meno-esque state (thanks to Iniesta for that word).

Seriously, Guardiola has been a little too obsessed with his name lately. He’s telling us he’s wants to be the “Guard-ian” of the Barcelona “regime” and that he’ll lead us as the Blaugrana’s “philosopher-king”. Now he’s completely right on the first part, cause Peppy always has his guard up for us at the club to make sure we don’t make any decisions I’ll regret come three in the morning at the club.

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Ah, the New Year. In Rosario, we used to spend the night before drinking sidra and playing charades. And then — the day after, strong coffee or maté… This year was no different with coffee the day after, but I went all out with Dani this time. Your Brazilian bro has been begging me to party with him, so I thought why not on New Years. The Brazil-Argentina alliance was on full display in Barcelona, and man we left our mark on the town like no other player of the year could do.

After downing about a dozen Caipirinhas, your boy hit up Las Ramblas with Dani. Now whenever I head to Las Ramblas I expect to be bombarded by the Barcelona faithful, but this time was a little different. Joan Laporta was doing his thing that night as well, and with a bottle of Champ in his right hand, he straight up tackled me from behind. Dani, not realizing it was our boy, picked up Joan and threw him five meters into a street vendor.

Joan, though mildly concussed, apparently thanked Dani for tossing him because he got to go home with a girl who felt bad for him. Nothing like a little Barcelona teamwork. Pep would be proud.

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Oh. Ciao! I didn’t see you. It has been a slightly average week for your boy. After Thierry delayed the FIFA Player of the Year awards by trying to rig the voting for himself, I emerged victorious. I tried to act surprised, but I’m only the best player in the world, I’m no Penelope Cruz. Jajajajaja!

Anyway, your boy wants to share the wealth with you. From now on, I’m going to let you guys know what is going on in my world. You already know I was living up the dream in Dubai last week. The weather was pretty freshh. Joan hooked us up mad nice with a beach front hotel, mad beaches all up in that. The Club World Cup was pretty dank. Everybody thought we were gonna win even before it started… so I did.

You know your boy keeps a low-profile on the prowl, but I can’t say the same for Joan. After I scored the winning goal of the cup (again) with my chest, cause it was too easy to nod in with the dome, Joan, already on his 2nd bottle of Champ, tried to bring a dozen Dubai girls into the locker room. The girls wanted to have a good time… until they saw Ibra, who scared them off with his nose, which also happened at the beginning of the season at Bojan’s 19th annual birthfest.

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