A Football Report

Why hello there fellow bromistas. Hope the mid-week blues haven’t been throwing you off your grind too much. Anyway, I’m a little upset because my goal streak ended, but it’s just part of my resolution this year to share the wealth. Speaking of sharing the wealth, the Messiah is about to rain praise upon those who did work like the Franciscos and Santiagos on steel-producing plants back in Rosario. Gago, you know exactly what I’m talking about; you were so close to being one of those Franciscos.

But first, I know you’ve all been requesting a little moral insight on the biddy-stealing John Terry. I’m just going to throw down a few opiniones. Well Señor Terry, I have a personal philosophy on the ancient Chinese art of seed spreading. Focus on your game (on the field and in the club), and once you get big enough you’ll find out that situations like these are easy to avoid. I know you’re trying to imitate Messiahization (like globalization, but better), so you need to get more creative and look beyond your national boundaries. For example, after we merked Valladolid 3-0 a few days ago Fabricio and his wife both said they would be honoured to have a son with my genes. Stuff like that happens all the time, but I don’t make a big deal out of it or show any disrespect by turning the offers down. So JT, to make a long story short, the frailties of your game were exposed, so in the future come to me for advice for the accepted approach on one of the many arts mastered by your boy.

Oof, sorry about that little intervention. It had to be done. Now, as per usual, I have my weekly honours to give out. Who had the most swag you ask?

The most kudos this week go to the Pharoahs and their awesome pyramids for filling the African Cup of Nations with style. Through steady domination, the Egyptians gained my respect, as exemplified by Mohamed Zidan’s superior swag. Sorry you guys couldn’t make it to the big show in the summer, but unleashing your style-bombs twice in one year on Africa just wouldn’t be fair.

I was almost obliged to give props to Guti this week for his fairly decent assist, but thankfully Stefano Okaka saved me from doing so. Stefano, I know you’re heading to England, so remember not let go of your swag because there is none to be found in that place. A match-winning no-look backheel followed by a minute of fist-pumping with Italians like you were at the club listening to Daft Punk gives you the right to claim my individual with the most swag honour.

My last recognition of the week goes to a fellow foreigner who has been plying his trade in Manchester. Nani, you may be the ugliest thing to hit the beautiful game since Wayne Rooney, but you showed us all that you don’t have to be admirable to be successful. Cutting up Arsenal’s defence and making it look so easy has been one of my favourite things to behold in quite some time. Keep doing your thing, and maybe when you’re smart enough to decide not to live in a place like Manchester you’ll do some serious damage on the dance floor.

Anyway guys, that’s all that has impressed me. I’m about to buy Giovani dos Santos a Spanish-Turkish dictionary for our boy now forced to learn how to dodge flares on the field for Galatasaray. Jajaja!

Much love until next week,

What are your thoughts on this week’s Words of the Messiah?