The highs and Löws of the German campaign

Jogi Löw and Hans-Dieter Flick perfect their player communication system.

Translated by Max Grieve

As Mario Balotelli tore off his shirt to reveal his finely sculpted torso, Bundestrainer Joachim “Jogi” Löw looked on, stunned. He and his assistant, Hans-Dieter Flick, matched their clothing as they had done in South Africa, but there would be no bare chests on the German bench. Now, Germany are out, and Löw is left to pick up the pieces of a failed campaign. The final, surely the minimum objective for a phenomenally talented German side, will belong to Spain and Italy.

There will be no inquest as in French or Dutch camps, and there is no need for one. During his time in Poland and Ukraine, Löw wrote a day-by-day account of his experience and decisions. Translated for you here, as an abridged version of two volumes of entries, it provides a fascinating insight into the mind of an international manager at a major tournament.

Translator’s note: Germanic languages use compound nouns, of which the English language often does not have an equivalent. We have therefore chosen to translate these words in their literal form.

June 4, 2012 (Berlin)

We leave for die Europameisterschaft tomorrow, and there is still much to do. Hans-Dieter came over earlier to discuss tactics and sweaters – he does not appear to have full confidence in my sartorial acumen. Over a short meal of Schweinshaxe and apfelstrudel, I explain that people will be expecting something big from Germany at the coming Championships, and our dress sense must reflect as much. “This means no more powder blue sweaters, Flickmeister,” I say (Flickmeister is my little name for him). He is reassured, and he leaves. I pack my blue sweater just in case it is cold.

June 8, 2012 (Lviv)

This day is the day before the day of reckoning. Tomorrow, which is after today, we will play the Portuguese, Germany’s eternal enemy. They a curious amalgamation of characters, but from the supremely arrogant Cristiano Ronaldo to the supremely arrogant Nani, they are a side packed full of danger-football-skills. Nonetheless, Angela Merkel has told me that I should be absolutely certain that we will defeat them.

June 9, 2012 (Lviv, Germany-Portugal)

We have achieved our first objective, but I only allow my team to celebrate for a few minutes. Part of my job as coach of my nation is to keep the players focussed. On the bus trip back to our base, I stand at the front and hold a piece of paper with an optical illusion printed on it above my head. Immediately, the bus goes silent as the entire team concentrates. I am a brilliant man-manager. I offered the reward of a delicious Leberkäse to the first person to tell me what the picture in the centre of the illusion was. Hans-Dieter was first to answer. It was a whale smoking a pipe.

June 11, 2012 (German base, Gdansk)

This morning, the mood in the camp is quite jovial. I was made aware of television footage in which I appear to be inserting my finger into my right nostril during the game against Portugal. There have been suggestions in the media that I was “digging for gold”. This is laughable! In reality, Hans-Dieter and I have been devising a system to communicate with the players using a series of hand signals. When I raise my index finger to my nostril, I am indicating that my team should score a goal. As you can see by the our latest result against the Portuguese, the system has been an unalloyed success.

June 13, 2012 (Kharkiv, Holland-Germany)

I’m as happy as a man working at a German train station! Only a few hours ago, I masterminded a victory over Germany’s eternal enemy, the Dutch. The match was fun for me, too: I completely confused a ball-boy when I punched the ball out from under his arm. What a lark! I hope that today’s result makes Ms Merkel proud of my achievements. One of my most successful training methods is visualisation. In the dressing room before the match, we held hands in a circle, and I led them on a journey in which they visualised themselves winning, the German media praising my justified selection of a casual shirt rather than a sweater, and Ms Merkel’s fury-rage should we be defeated. Needless to say, it worked.

June 15, 2012 (German base, Gdansk)

As they had been working at an acceptable rate, I allowed my team to engage in a number of recreational tasks today. Each member of the squad took part in a karaoke session, in which everybody, except for those players who objected on the grounds that they were not of full German descent, sang Das Lied der Deutschen – it was, unfortunately, the only song that Hans-Dieter brought. Following that activity, we took turns to stand in front of the rest of the group, and told the individual all the things we did not like about him. We will have another enjoyable-fun-time activity day soon.

June 17, 2012 (German base, Gdansk)

Hans-Dieter and I are very tired, as we were awake all through the night deciding the team for our final group match against Denmark. He was insistent that Mario Gomez should make way for Miroslav Klose, but he backed down when I showed him a picture of Mario’s quiff. It is spectacular – perhaps the best hairstyle at the Championships – and Hans-Dieter was right to submit to my decision.

June 18, 2012 (Lviv, Denmark-Germany)

If there is one thing that the Germans are historically known for, it is not efficiency, but winning on the big stage. Having dispatched our eternal enemy, the Danes, I am looking forward to the politics-football-confusion match against Greece in the quarter-finals. I performed a short victory dance for my players, as I had promised that I would, before returning to my work. Football is not all work and no play, but it is mostly work, and my players know that. Now, we work.

June 21, 2012 (German base, Gdansk)

I think I will wear the same lightly coloured shirt as I have worn for the past three matches again tomorrow.

June 22, 2012 (Gdansk, Greece-Germany)

What a day for the glorious nation of Germany!  Greece, our recently-acquired eternal enemy, put up a mild challenge, but our might is our strength, just as our strength is our strength. Like a robot at a Volkswagen factory, I German-engineered a satisfactory defeat of the Greeks, and I/we have taken another big step/inevitable advance in our quest/requirement to win die Europameisterschaft. Ms Merkel will be most pleased.

June 24, 2012 (German base, Gdansk)

I joined Hans-Dieter in his room to watch the England-Italy match, as my room had a lot of chocolate wrappers in the bin and I did not want him to see my shame. We sat on the edge of his bed, but he fell asleep before the penalty shoot-out. Bless him.

June 28, 2012 (Warsaw, Germany-Italy)

It is the morning of our victory against Italy, and I am pleased to be one day closer to the final. Needless to say, failure to advance against our eternal enemy would not go down well back home. I think that I will leave Mario Götze on the bench again today – I did not like the way he looked at me as I fed ham to Manuel Neuer earlier. I like to be prepared well in advance, so I had Manuel put his gloves on as dawn broke. The limited dexterity that the gloves permit meant that he couldn’t successfully operate his cutlery – hence I had to feed him his ham.

June 28, 2012 (Warsaw, Germany-Italy)

WENN SIE DIES LESEN, WERDEN SIE REALAISE, DASS DIES EIN GROB ÜBERSETZT ABSATZ, DER IN EIN ONLINE-ÜBERSETZER WURDE EINGEGEBEN HABEN. DIE DEUTSCHE SPRACHE IST EHER EINSCHÜCHTERND, SO DASS ES EINE ART MACHT ES SINN, DIESEN EINTRAG ZU SCHREIBEN - DIE EINE NACH DER DEUTSCHEN NIEDERLAGE GEGEN ITALIEN - IN DEUTSCHER SPRACHE. ZUFÄLLIG AUSGEWÄHLTE WORT DEUTSCH: EIER! GENUG!

June 29, 2012 (German base, Gdansk)

What a day for the glorious nation of Germany!

Today we are leaving Poland and  Ukraine. Last night, we experienced an unfortunate sequence of events which resulted in Germany not winning the football match. I’m not sure that I want to live in such a cruel and unjust world. Hans-Dieter bought me a sausage on a stick from the airport. I could not cope with the symbolism, and I broke into tears. I do not regret it.

July 1, 2012 (Kiev)

The achievement is reached! We have won! Europe is ours! Blühe, deutsches Vaterland!